Couples

Biblical Counselling for Couples: Drawing Closer to the Lord and Each Other

In the context of biblical counselling for couples, particularly from a Reformed, complementarian perspective, the aim is not merely the resolution of conflicts or improvement of communication, but the pursuit of Christ-centred unity. A marriage that flourishes is one where husband and wife are both growing nearer to the Lord, and as they do so, they naturally draw nearer to one another. This is often described as the Triangle Model—with God at the top, and the husband and wife at the two lower points. As each moves upward towards Christ, the distance between them decreases.

This vision of marriage rests firmly upon the biblical teaching that God designed marriage as a reflection of Christ’s relationship with His Church (Ephesians 5:22-33 KJV). When both spouses seek Him, their unity deepens, their communication grows in grace, and their love becomes increasingly selfless.

1. The Triangle Model: Growing Towards God and Each Other

Visualising the marriage relationship as a triangle can be a helpful teaching tool:

• God is at the apex. The husband and wife occupy the two lower points.
• As each person grows in personal holiness and intimacy with the Lord—through prayer, Scripture, and obedience—they ascend towards Him.
• In doing so, the gap between them narrows. They become spiritually, emotionally, and practically closer.

This model reinforces the biblical truth that marital unity is first and foremost a spiritual reality. It cannot be manufactured solely by human effort; it flourishes as both spouses walk with Christ.

Key Scriptures:

• “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33 KJV).
• “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you” (James 4:8 KJV).
• “Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it” (Psalm 127:1 KJV).

Practical Encouragement:

• Each spouse is encouraged to prioritise their personal walk with the Lord—daily Bible reading, prayer, and self-examination.
• Couples should seek to pray together, inviting the Lord into their relationship, even when emotions run high.

2. Hearing One Another: The Ministry of Listening

Scripture exhorts us to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19 KJV). True listening is an act of humility and love. It reflects Christ’s gentle patience with us. However, in strained marriages, listening is often replaced by defensiveness, assumptions, or hasty words.

Principles of Biblical Listening:

• Listening is not merely hearing words, but seeking to understand the heart behind them (Proverbs 20:5).
• It involves setting aside our own desire to be right and focusing on loving the other person (Philippians 2:3-4).
• Good listening is an expression of the fruit of the Spirit: love, patience, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Practical Exercises:

• Encourage couples to set aside uninterrupted time for conversation.
• Introduce the Reflective Listening technique:
• Spouse A speaks.
• Spouse B reflects back what they heard: “I hear you saying that you felt hurt when I…”
• Spouse A confirms or clarifies.
• Then they swap roles.
• Remind them that listening is an act of self-denial and love—a reflection of Christ’s humility (Philippians 2:5-7).

3. Speaking with Grace and Truth: Calm, Clear, Christlike

Ephesians 4:15 calls us to “speak the truth in love.” Biblical communication is not about winning arguments but pursuing understanding, reconciliation, and peace.

Biblical Speech:

• Gracious: “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6 KJV).
• Truthful: “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25 KJV).
• Gentle: “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 KJV).

Practical Framework:

• Encourage couples to use “I feel” statements rather than accusations. For example:
• Instead of: “You never care about what I need.”
• Say: “I feel overlooked when decisions are made without discussing them together.”
• Encourage prayer before difficult conversations—inviting the Holy Spirit to govern their speech (Psalm 141:3).

4. Complementarian Roles: Unity through God’s Design

Biblical counselling affirms God’s good design for marriage, where husbands are called to loving, sacrificial leadership, and wives are called to respectful submission (Ephesians 5:22-33).

The Husband’s Role:

• Reflecting Christ’s love for the Church, he leads with humility, tenderness, and strength.
• His leadership is not dominance but service, seeking his wife’s flourishing—spiritually, emotionally, and practically.

The Wife’s Role:

• Reflecting the Church’s submission to Christ, she supports and respects her husband’s leadership.
• Her submission is not silence or inferiority but a willing partnership—marked by wisdom, grace, and strength.

Mutual Goal:

• Both husband and wife pursue holiness together.
• The husband leads in initiating prayer, Bible reading, and repentance when needed.
• The wife encourages, affirms, and offers her wisdom and counsel as a ‘help meet’ (Genesis 2:18).

Common Misunderstandings Addressed:

• Complementarianism is not about male superiority but reflecting the unity and diversity within the Godhead.
• Submission does not mean accepting abuse or passivity; it is a disposition of trust and respect within a loving, Christlike leadership.

5. When Conflict Arises: Restoring Peace

Even godly marriages will experience disagreement. The goal is not to avoid conflict but to handle it in a way that glorifies God.

Biblical Conflict Resolution:

• Confess quickly: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another” (James 5:16 KJV).
• Forgive freely: “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32 KJV).
• Seek reconciliation: “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9 KJV).

Encourage couples to view conflict as an opportunity to reflect Christ’s grace and grow in maturity.

Example: The Triangle in Action

A couple struggling with harsh words and resentment were encouraged to focus less on changing each other and more on drawing nearer to Christ. They began praying together each morning. The husband started reading Scripture aloud in the evening. As their individual walks with God deepened, they found their conversations became more patient, their apologies more frequent, and their affection revived. The triangle was taking shape.

Final Exhortation:

A godly marriage is not the product of perfect compatibility but of two sinners being conformed to the image of Christ together. When both pursue Him, they are drawn into deeper unity. Their home becomes a place where the aroma of the gospel fills the air—where repentance is quick, forgiveness is lavish, and love bears all things.

“Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it” (Psalm 127:1 KJV).

Marriage is not ultimately about our happiness but our holiness. As we submit our relationships to the Master Builder, He crafts something more beautiful than we could ever achieve on our own.

Journaling Prompts for Couples:

1. What steps am I taking to grow closer to the Lord personally?
2. In what ways have I listened poorly to my spouse this week? How can I improve?
3. Is there an unresolved offence I need to confess and make right?
4. How can I better reflect Christ’s love (husband) or the Church’s respect (wife) in our marriage?
5. What is one practical step we can take this week to seek the Lord together (e.g., praying aloud, reading Scripture together)?

Marriage is a covenant journey—a shared pilgrimage toward Christ. Hand in hand, we walk together, knowing that as we press on toward Him, we will find each other more deeply than ever before.